I am in a situation in my life right now that challenges me — mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.  And it serves me in the ways it does, as well.

In times like these, I need/want to look to the opportunities that I have and the lessons I am learning.  This situation is ripe with opportunities for me – to evaluate my needs and wants, – to speak my truths (find my voice!), – to stand up for myself and my truths (empower!!), – embrace my abilities, – take care of myself (emotionally, physically) in the ways I need, – understand my feelings and from where they derive, – reconnect with my grounding practices and tools, – check in on my process.

This situation spurs me to awareness so that I may recognize and appreciate the times when I “feel alive.”  walking.  working on my own projects.  jogging. standing outside in the cold, crisp, sunshiny January air and Breathing.  waking up and going to my yoga mat and continuing to explore, develop, learn through my practice.  taking breaks from my yoga practice to sip on my favorite white jasmine pearl tea.  creating!–knitting, weaving, writing, growing food, preparing food, dancing! a snowy day spent in front of the woodstove, cooking and eating soup.  giving gifts to those I love when I have gifts to give.  validating/giving justice to my thoughts and feelings by sharing them. conversations/exchanges with those I love.

hooray.  I smile to think of these moments.

In a few weeks, I have the opportunity for retreat.  I have the opportunity to housesit on 1100(? well, lots and lots and lots) acres in a cozy passive solar cabin, rich with books and yummy food.  I look forward to cuddling with cats, singing, playing their piano (!), reading, writing, practicing yoga, checking on chickens and turkeys and being!  what a gift.

Today one of the Tapetes board members said to me something along the lines of “ten years from now things will be different.  you won’t be living and doing the same things you are living and doing now.”

I wonder about that.  For sure, ten years ago, I never imagined my life would be what it is today…I never imagined I’d be into farming and weaving and knitting.  I never imagined I’d have pet dogs and be living in New Mexico.  I pictured myself a bohemian fashionista–  a designer, a performer, and magazine editor.  Urban.  Funky.  oh life life life.  how priorities change.  How visions change.  How we choose the choices we do.

And I wonder what I want for myself in the next ten years.  I’ve started a savings for my ‘yogateachertrainingfund’– so that if I want someday, little by little, the money may accumulate for me to participate in a yoga teacher training of my choice.  what a treat it might be for me to give this gift of study to myself.  And I imagine myself farming…continued farming…in New Mexico??  I don’t know.  I love where I live and I wonder…

This coming 2012 I anticipate my  10-year high school reunion.  I feel excited when I imagine reconvening with my friends from New Jersey.  I am curious about their ten years, and I want to share my ten years with them as well.

Time passes so quickly sometimes, I think.  and not really, if I think about ALL that has become and been in the past ten years, it’s an abundance.  journeys and journeys.  One can fit so much in a day, in an hour, in a year, in ten years.  wowowow.

two months has passed since last I blogged.  Over three weeks spent touring the midwest with my family, friend, loves.  I spectated two marathons (Chicago and Grand Rapids), and both I found awe-ing and exciting.  Last night, I had a dream that my brother was running the New York City Marathon (curiously enough the NYC Marathon is this morning), and my dad was running a 4-mile race during the marathon, and my mom and I were touring the city on foot with a marathon map seeking my bro at the start, mile 15 and mile 26.  Also someone else was with us who made barbecue pork and was carrying around about 10 chops of pork on a big white towel.  My oldest brother was wandering the marathon on his own.

ay yi yi.

What journeys I had!  How refreshing it is to reunite with my friends, family, loves!  I rode the trains and buses and walked the streets of Chicago.  I visited Evanston and Bensenville.  I visited with, shared meals with, and passed hours with, so many of my friends.  I took the amtrak to and from Michigan and saw the streets of Zeeland and Holland and Grand Rapids, and the faces of my family all together!  I rode in the big market truck back to Henry’s farm and slept in my twice trailer home.  so peaceful it was to sit in the lazyboy in the living room of the trailer and talk with my dear Val and cook and eat and rest, and hear the sounds of central Illinois, tucked away in Herman’s woods. and I visited Andy’s farm in El Paso, and I visited Bloomington-Normal, and then I rode an amtrak back to Chicago few a few more days with my favorite urban area, and then I took an amtrak to Carbondale in southern Illinois, where my sweet friendloves, Adriane and Kris, introduced me to their farm!  Where we worked and rested and visited and ate.  and to market to market in Ferguson, Missouri, and to the megabus to the megabus in St. Louis.  and the megabus to Kansas City, and the amtrak to Las Vegas, New Mexico!  What an incredible journey, to see the country on train and bus, and watch the scenery pass by and the landscapes flow into each other.    What an incredible journey– it could have gone on forever.  There is so much in the midwest for me.  There is my community, and there is quiet beauty, open fields and open fields over and over again, and yet I like the rhythm, I like the flatness, I like the big sky.  And I sometimes imagine the corn and soy fields are full of tall prairie grasses, and I sigh.

And how happy I am to be home.  How grounded I feel.  How I appreciate my quiet life, and my vegetables and my daniel and doggies.  How I appreciate the responsibilities I have at home as well.  How in my first couple days home, I dug 30 gallons of potatoes (oh! how we will eat potatoes!), and how the cold cold cold has come.  15 degree nights and occasional snow.  and how I am fermenting the cabbages (sauerkraut, kimchi, curtido).  I think I went to the midwest and came back with some brightness, confidence, trust, openness, inspiration, and it enlivens me.  I feel excited to greet the new day and I am hopeful for the future.  I’m not sure how Daniel and I are going to make our lives work within the system, and right now I am feel hopeful.  so we shall see.

This morning we moved the clock back an hour–  and last night the power went out and there was an incredible wind storm that rattled the house and whooshed over the roof and penetrated all the unsealed areas of our home.

ps-photos of ‘our farm’ coming soon.

today…

I slept in.  after a night of dancing and dancing (freeing booty as DJ Christalyn says).

I made and drank yerba mate.  I cooked and ate ‘my version of bibimbop’ (sauteed collards, broccoli, chiles, garlic, with rice, and fried eggs, and root kimchi).

I stretched and breathed.

I harvested and blanched and froze collards and broccoli.

I baked a ‘my version zucchini bread’ (where I make up my own recipes, and trust the results will be delicious–this is mostly how I cook and bake).

I ate bread and butter.

A day spent in the garden and in the kitchen is one of utmost satisfaction to me.  outside and in.  nourishing myself.  now and in the future.  nourishing myself inside and out.

In this moment, I am reflecting on the ways in which I believe that words are as powerful as they are.  Words resonate with me.  Overarchingly, my thoughts come in words.  This morning and yesterday afternoon and evening, I read my words from years past, in email format.  I recognize right now that through changing the words I use, I change my life experience.  There are other factors through which I change my life experience, yet in my perception, words were/are prominent.  By reducing and removing words of judgment or comparison from my language, I come to find that judgment and comparison are no longer the ways I see the world.  By no longer consciously creating who I am based on the words I use (performing myself), I am now who I am based on my birthright to be who I am.  By speaking my truths and removing shame from my self-association, I allow for myself to be unabashedly me.

My culture’s history is not bound in one space.  It is not bound in the spanish language as perhaps the title of this blog entry might suggest.  What is my culture?  What are my people?  Our story is vague, spans continents and countries.  We are americans, I suppose.

Slash.  I am thinking of this stuff this evening, as I spent a couple hours this afternoon at a celebration for the opening of las Fiestas de Mora, particularly learning about la historia de la gente de Mora and the land grants.  It was beautiful.  truly.  The Archuleta brothers, who call themselves Agua Negra, came to the long room of Tapetes to share a corrido (ballad) about the history of Mora.  An oral, musical history, educating persons on the history of their community and culture.  And it’s awe-ing to think, that so many of these people can trace THEIR family’s history, the history of THEIR land and community, because they have made their homes and communities in a place where they STAY, generation after generation.  I once read online that something like 75% of the population of Mora county has been here for three generations…and likely MORE!

How complicated it might be for me to trace the history of my family.  I think of my hometown…but my family was not the early colonist who settled that community.  I think of my parents’ hometowns…but their families were not the early colonists who settled those communities.  I think of my grandparents, but their families were not the early colonists who settled those communities…the history goes back and back to countries spread out across Europe, and immigrants later arriving at Ellis Island.  and while the history, if I traced it, is likely fascinating–  I, personally, have little connection to ANY OF IT.  The stories of my ancestors do not feel like my story.

What I do believe though, is that for people, like the people of Mora, or of El Derramaderro, Guanajuanto, Mexico, the history of those communities feels like the history of those people.  past present and future.

So it’s interesting.  The Archuletas spoke about teaching children in school about the history of their people and community, and in a place like Mora, I think it is SO ESSENTIAL.  I think the history and the connection to the history is innate.  I think that in this changing world, for the generation of youth to understand their peoples and what that land means to their peoples and where they come from could ultimately create a deep sense of pride and connection to their land and peoples.  And maybe, then kids won’t be swept up in everyday American livelihood.  Maybe these kids will understand the value of working land, of monetary poverty, but richness of life and necessities.  I don’t know.

thoughts thoughts thoughts.

oh my god.  the rain. smells. so. good.

fresh fresh freshness!

floral earthness.

mmmm.

Today is the first ‘real rain’ of the season!  hooray!  oh New Mexico’s dry, cracked earth rejoices!  oh New Mexico’s parched plantlets rejoice!

What a glorious thing is the rain.  The rain is so wise.  Nature is SO WISE.  It rained for a few a hours, a gentle rain.  There is nothing like the rain.  I cannot simulate the rain with a hose.  I cannot simulate the rain with drip tape or flooding.  Today, the rain slowly seeped into the soil, not too fast, not too slow.  hmmm.

***

This morning Daniel and I ran the Las Vegas Fiestas 10k!  Fun fun!  Sun sun!  Rejuvenated!  Followed by soaks in the Montezuma Hot Springs…which just about wiped us out with their heats!  Put me to sleep…

And then the fiestas…If I weren’t already wiped out, I longed longed longed to dance dance dance.  All day today and yesterday there were live performances from local artists.  Puro Nuevo Mexico.  Mariachi.  ay yi yi.  And then there was a raised dance floor!  oh to dance to dance to dance.  I look forward to the Mora Fiestas at the end of this month, to dance to dance to dance.

What a whirlwind is this life of mine.  This week has been ripe with blessings and blessings and lessons and life.

On June 22-26, Daniel and I had the privilege of being part of a Lakota Sioux ceremony and supporting the work of a group of people who ventured onto the mountain for three days and three nights with only their prayers to Vision Quest.   Who knew that although I would not be stuck in a circle of my prayers, questing, that my own experience down below would be so rich and enlightening?  We sang, we drummed, we danced, we laughed, we hiked, we ate, we drank for the questers.  We sent them our blessings and our support.  We opened our hearts to each other and those who were seeking visions.  WOW.

like seriously.  wow.  There is something, an energy, that resonated just right for me.  Something that moves me to tears, joy – sadness – fear – FREEDOM.  FREEDOM.  FREEDOM.

to be. to breathe.  to embrace. to accept.

wow wow WOW.

!!!!

and connections!  community!  I met these beautiful people!  who inspire and excite me, with their openness, wisdom, willingness, adventurousness, love!  with whom I long to continue to connect!  yay

It’s like my heart is open, in ways it hasn’t been OPEN in as long as it’s been.   I do not intend to condemn my process here.  which is rich and full of beauty and journeys.  AND It reminds me of the way I used to FEEL.  Like when I left Mirasol in 2005, I was all spirit and emotion and groundedness.  And I felt some of that, and continue to feel some of that, and hope that I can continue to resonate on this wavelength.  That I can continue to bring this flow vibe into my life.

so that was that.

And our garden is bountiful.  plentiful.  beautiful.  and I accept that we will not get as much in the ground as we had hoped.  yet.  we will reap as much and more than we need.  And I continue to think about farming.  We went to the first Mora Valley Farmer’s Market of the season yesterday afternoon and there were two tents– 3-4 farmers– eggs, greens, radish mostly– and where I deeply respect that there are people who are growing food in the Mora Valley and marketing it, I also realized that although Daniel and I are not farming for market, we probably could have had more food there from our farm/garden yesterday than was there in total.  I wonder if there is market for locally raised food here.  and if so, I wonder if we want to enter into it and offer our foods.  Even this year, at the height of the 60 year drought, we have a lush garden.  I think we are very very lucky to have learned many farming lessons from our wise friend and farmer, Henry Brockman.

And there have been fires and fires.  fires and fires and fires and fires.  New Mexico burns.  burns burns burns burns burns.  fire fire fire.  There is a huge fire that is spreading at incredible speed over by the Los Alamos Laboratory (which is terrifying for many reasons…i.e. if the lab is damaged or if there is radiation in the smoke, I think I’m out of here).  It burned 45,000 acres in the first 24 hours.  It is now wreaking havoc on the Santa Clara Pueblo.  Peoples’ precious historic lands.  and the smoke the smoke the smoke.  It carries over the mountain, and every evening between 4 and 5 p.m. the smoke settles into our valley, ash falls from the sky, the air quality is somewhat dangerous.  phew.

There is also a fire across the ridge from Los Alamos in Pacheco  Canyon, very near to where Daniel used to live and run.  There are also new fires alighting daily.

On Thursday at noon, a woman came into the gallery and told me that there was a fire across from my house and I needed to go home.  I ran in tears back to the mill and got Daniel and we drove home.  The fire was across the road, about a mile away, on Holman Hill.  It lit up right behind the elementary school.  They put out the fire completely in about 2 days, although it was contained in about 5 or 6 hours.  They say about 25 acres were burned, but that they managed to protect all structures.  They also say that men and women and children were fighting the blaze.  I smile at the resiliency of my community–  I believe it.  These people in the Mora Valley are steadfast.  stubborn too.   Slash I am proud to live here.

There will be NO FIREWORKS this fourth July in New Mexico.  There will be NO HIKING, CAMPING, FISHING, SPORTING in the state parks of New Mexico.  The situation here is severe.

And this morning, I rode my gift of a bike to work!  oh huzzah.  huzzah. hooray and huzzah.  This bike belongs to the same kind kind woman who came to gallery to alert me about the fire near my house.  Community forms. a little.

I rode slowly and peacefully, not like I ride in Chicago.  I was fearful of loose dogs who don’t know how to respond to a girl on a bike.  I even got off my bike and walked when I passed the BAD DOG house, so as to avoid riling up the “BAD DOG”.  and it felt so nourishing to take my time and use my body and get to work.  sigh.

I am feeling relaxed today.  I am thinking about running the Las Vegas Fiestas 10k tomorrow morning with Daniel, but the price is a little steep, and I’m considering saving my pennies, instead of paying to run 6.2 miles.  We’ll see.

And then Monday is my 27th birthday.  more to come on that in the future.  I suspect I will make a TRES LECHES cake, with raw cow milk, raw cow cream, and goat milk cajeta.  and maybe strawberries, if we score some at the farmer’s market.  We shall see!  My birthday present to myself, I bought about three weeks ago at Tome On The Range in Las Vegas, NM: Manning Marable’s MALCOLM X; I started reading it this week and am captivated.

onward with my day.  I am thankful for my ever-evolving life.

It’s Friday afternoon and I am here in the gallery at Tapetes and finding myself uninspired in my work here.  Not overarchingly uninspired, just right now today uninspired.

I thought I would stay home today, and work on the farm (there is so much to do…never endingness, yet also we’ve done enough that we are eating celebratorily) and put up food for winter.  I was hoping to pickle radishes and radish greens, freeze spinach and arugula and dandelion, make some cilantro pesto… and instead I came to work today so that afterwards we could go to Las Vegas to check out some bicycles with one of our coworkers (I need a bike.  super seriously).  There’s talk now of not going, and here I am doing what I do.

oh well.  I received a letter from my friend, Val, today who is an intern this year at Henry’s Farm, and oh I wished I was in the bottomfield, in the sun (although who knows it could be raining today), harvesting from sun up to the end.  Cutting sorrel for hours on hours, snapping kale leaves off of the tree-like stalks, wrapping my twist-tie and moving onto the next bunch.  Mmm.  I can nearly feel it today.  The sensation of a harvest day.  and I think how interesting it is that I have as many friends as I do these days who spend their Fridays harvesting.  We are a clan.  with good food and clean earth in the mind and the soul.  We eat like kings.  real food.  with life and death and sufficiency and continuation all around us.

I consider myself a part of this clan, while simultaneously, I spend this Friday in an old adobe building, surrounded by beautiful fiber and looms-galore.  I wonder what the future holds…a bicycle?  a farm?  who knows?

Val suggested I come back to Illinois to farm.  What an idea.  to return to Illinois and farm amongst my community.  Farm only hours from some of my dear friends who farm too.  what an idea.

Well, I don’t know.  New Mexico is pretty suiting so far.  There are things I love and things I don’t love.  There is the wait. wait. waiting for the rains which have yet to come.  There are the fires in the forests.  There is clean air.  There is the maybe if we save enough money to buy a bunch more drip tape, irrigating will be less of a chore.  There are so many things.

hmm.

Happy friday.  happy harvest.  happy markets tomorrow.   oh day day daze.

ha.  what a funny night.  Daniel is sitting next to me singing karaoke to Manu Chao.  He is having so much fun.  ha.  ha. ha.  ay yi yi.

and I just rubbed my eyes, forgetting that I made habañero kombucha and handled habañeros only minutes ago.  I type now with my tearing burning eyes closed.  ay yi yi.

oh life’s been busy.  things I am thinking of lately

*farming…maybe I want to farm, full-time in the future

*weaving…I’ve been selling coasters and runners at the gallery, and rugs for the pueblos!  I am actually making a little money weaving.  but I’ve also been wanting to do some crafting of my own.  I’ve been wanting my sewing machine, to sew!  and I’ve been thinking about knitting again!  and I want to experiment with off-loom weaving,  a freer form.

*running–  Daniel and Raul and Martin will be running the Chicago marathon, and I am also hoping to find a bib number so that I may run as well.  Today Daniel and I went on a run-hike to Serpent Lake.  We didn’t make it all the way there though, as the snow became too abundant for our numb toes.  Running on trails…is…awesome.  Although to ‘train’ for the marathon, we will have to do the majority of our running on road.  Yet, trails are (a) scenic, (b) free from vehicles, (c) full of fresh air, (d) an excuse to run consciously and carefully and patiently.  This last point is maybe my favorite (not that it’s a competition), yet, what a gift of peace and calmness.  I like to run slowly.    Also trails are a little scary to me.  I fear ‘wild animals’ that may attack me.  This fear is … compelling, actually.  Last year, on the farm, I really focused on my life’s dialogue with my own fear, and in as many circumstances as I did, I have come to accept the fear and in turn the fear has held less weight on my experience.  Here, however, there are all sorts of new and familiar fears to face.

*friends– I have lived in New Mexico for 6 months as of next week.  and yet, my friendships are limited to only a few.  I want to have friends over for dinner and picnics and go dancing, and drink tea and coffee and talk.  Perhaps, in this next six months, I can send more energy towards this aspect of my life.

*a bike– I am at a point where I really need to have a bike.  I need to bike to work.   Both for bliss and for money saving…money diminishes, and a bike is an easy way to cut our spending.

hmm…