baby, the bread is rising

this post has nothing to do with Mexico. this post has everything to do with Mexico.

This current week, beginning Sunday, February 24, 2008, is recognized by some in the United States as National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. During this week, there are workshops and meetings and activities relating to the study of eating disorders, support for eating disorders, loving oneself, and the National Eating Disorder Association advocates something along the lines of ‘be comfortable in your genes’

Three years ago today, I lived in Michigan. I lived with my parents and my brother and our two cats and spent my days playing Minesweeper, going to see a therapist, a nutritionist and a physician, and eating and not eating.
Sometimes I practiced yoga, sometimes I baked bread, sometimes I sewed. I remember sitting. driving. using the internet at the library. crying. thinking. journaling.

I found myself there during a medical leave from Northwestern, where I was starving myself and exercising compulsively and fixating. on everything. and nothing ness.

Three years ago today, I can see in my food logue that I went out for ice cream with my parents, as a “recreational food” (as my dietician called it), and as we sat in the car eating, I fantasized of yelling at my parents and throwing my ice cream at the windshield. I wrote in my logue of wanting to rid myself of its evil, impure temptations.I felt angry and shameful and fearful.

In May of 2005, I entered a treatment facility in Tucson, Arizona, and stayed for 80 days. HEALING.
Learning. Being. Organizing. Disorganizing. Connecting. Discovering. FEELING. LIVING.

ME, I found life and healing. I found hope, and my eyes were opening. AND my heart was opening. and my mind was opening (my head had been so full and heavy, in my perception). and I was able to feel. feelings.

I left treatment, scared and excited. hopeful and sad. and happy. AND I was living again.

I was allowed to ride my bicycle, to dance, to practice yoga, to take walks! I was allowed to live on my own, to move back to Evanston with $20, and find a job and feed myself! and I did! and I found this job, at the Unicorn Cafe, oh one of the gifts of my life! and I reconnected with old friends and found these new friends, (many through my job), oh the gifts of my life! and I found a yoga practice with an instructor whose process was so aligned with my own! and I found a therapist with whom I connected (I often longed to hang out with her)! and I found myself dancing and dancing and dancing again! and loving it! and breathing again! and loving it!

and I met Daniel in August of 2006. And Daniel’s family was from Mexico. And In October of 2007, Daniel and I moved to Mexico! and continued this life of mine.

For I had discovered trust in processes, trust in the universe, trust in my self and others, and thus I was free to embrace this opportunity. To explore the endless possibilities and opportunities that exist!

AND many persons I know personally still struggle. Everyday. Persons from treatment, persons from support, persons from college, persons from life. Persons who are not okay being as they are. Persons who shame themselves and give foods moral powers. Persons who are constantly dieting and constantly unhappy with their appearance. or themselves. There is in my perception, so much more to the eating disorder than the food and the not eating. or the eating ‘too much’ or the discarding of the food or the calories and weight and numbers. or the purity of the food. (Which reminds me. Steve, the yoga instructor who played an integral part in my process, spoke of yogis drinking poison, of people eating contaminated foods, and reminded us that even these foods themselves aren’t evil. We have the power to thank and bless anything for nourishing us when we need it. Which reminds me of working at the cafe. And training new employees, and reminding my coworkers that although latte art can be fun for both the employee and the customer, the image is not the drink or what makes the drink. It is the love with which we bless/infuse every drink we make. I used to encourage my coworkers to never shame their drinks, bless them all.)

So anyway AWARENESS. of oneself. of this mode of medication. of others.

this week, and in general. wherever, whenever.

and awareness to the processes we go through. everyone. the challenges and the gifts that are derived of these processes. For me, what gifts and challenges, challenges and gifts.

This week beginning the Sunday just past is recognized by some as National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. I am abundantly thankful to those who have been a part of my process and to those who have supported me in ways that may or may not have been realized. I am aware as I am.

I am feeling shameful and proud to post this entry.  and I remind myself that my shame is only as great as my secrets.  freedom, freedom, freedom.