written three or four days past:

as we ready ourselves to say hasta…cuando sea, I am filled with feelings. oh life and processes. I watched Daniel stand outside this afternoon. He was, in my perception, quietly contemplative. I felt sad because I thought this way of being indicated his own sadness, to leave his dream– this place where the sun shines everyday, and we choose and believe that we choose the things we do here. This place where we can build an oven if we want to build an oven, where we can have a pile of manure soaking in our yard, where we can compost anything depending how patient we are. This place where we can pick fruit off of trees and physically see where the water with which we bathe and the water with which we wash our laundry and clothing goes. This place where every early evening the women dan la vuelta (take a walk), and every time they pass a huamuchile tree, they stop to eat the fruits. This place where in the nights I hear the rooster chorus, and in the days I hear the woman sing “Las Mañanitas” over the megaphone. This place where every day men wake up at 5 in the morning to walk their cows into the mountains to graze. This place where we found our angel puppies, this place where we hang our clothes on the line and always cook outside with mesquite wood and fire. Thinking of these things right now, leaves me in a state of what I perceive to be idealization– as it is as if I have forgotten the things to which I have not connected.
Yet…as the afternoon progressed, I realized that I was reading feelings onto Daniel. I began to grieve my own fantasy left. Only five months ago, coming to Mexico and living the life I live was my fantasy– an excitement, a joy, at times a sadness.

As I prepare to depart, I have begun to recognize some of the things that triggered joy and joy in me in my time here (in addition to those above)- the abundant supply of oranges and limes fresh from our trees. the silence of the nights. the persons living in the ways the live. the curious artifacts we find in the abandoned homes. yoga in the sun on the roof. dances outside in the jardín. instant coffee with milk and pan in the evenings. warm fresh raw milk. the aprons (oh how I want one!!!). the magic and family and lush paradise that lies behind the gates and stucco and bricks and adobe. the men who sit on the corner each night. papayas, and papayas and papayas… OH MY LOVE THE PAPAYA …the flowery melon the papaya bliss. and bananas and banana trees! and mariachis! At times during the past five months, these blisses have been overshadowed by my mind’s fixation on the past…on my friends and my work in Chicago. on the connections that are not here. on loneliness. on a dissatisfaction with the gendering of life in Mexico. on contaminated water.
yet the fantasy.
And as I leave I feel sad that I am saying ‘adíos’ to the fantasy at the time that I am. And I remind myself that it doesn’t mean that I will never come back. It doesn’t mean that this is the end. It doesn’t mean anything, except that the adventures continue. and life and its processes continue. and we embark.

In early April, Daniel and I, and Tomato, Nata and Tunas will be moving to Congerville, Illinois, to live and apprentice on the farm of Henry Brockman and family.

And I am feeling sad and my mind thinks it is in a state of confusion. As I learn that two of our friends had plans to visit us this summer and stay with us this summer here in Mexico. Plans that were discussed and never finalized…so my mind says, “what if we had heard from them two or three weeks ago to make plans?– we would have had plans to stay here and spend our summers with them.” and I think, to be here amongst friends. To have our own family unit here, to live and play and work and relax together? oh the bliss of this image. this image is a fantasy.

And then I remind myself that I trust in my choices. and in the process of my life. And that Daniel and I probably would not have been able to continue living here much longer, as we have almost no income. Yet I also think, “but there are ways to have an income!! and to exist without needing much income!” And this while I recognize is true…I have been dreaming every night of working on the farm. And my hope is to learn and learn and learn and learn in these next eight months, and then continue and continue and continue and continue…maybe back in Mexico?? maybe elsewhere?? quien sabe.