There must be a placebo effect associated with seeing a fire burning in one’s own woodstove.  No matter how cold the house is, I swear, it’s a little bit warming.  Perhaps it is just the knowing that whenever I want, I can lay in front of it and be cozy.

The hearth.  Sacred in its magical comfort

We haven’t been burning lately, mainly because on our one day per week away from the workplace, we want to be home, instead of driving up that wild mountain and spending most of an afternoon splitting wood, the majority of which is not for our use.

The daytime temperatures have been warm (60-70 degrees F) this past week, however, our 1.5 foot thick walls do not allow the heat to penetrate.  I’ve been home alone with the dogs the past 5 days, and I realize now it’s easier not to burn when I’ve got company.

We usually would burn at night so we could fall asleep all toasty warm in front of the hot fire.  When Daniel’s here and there is no fire, his body heat suffices.  When all alone, I bundle up in wooly wear from head to foot.  I pull the dogs’ beds near to mine so that we can all share our heat with one another.

And now, we three lay in a line together in front of this fire.  How lucky we are, right now, we three.

Today the winds rattled the house, tearing tree branches, tossing trash about, and leaving us without electricity for 3 hours.  I took a bath by candlelight and sent peaceful energy to my house and the atmosphere.

I spent the early afternoon hoeing and transplanting raspberries, strawberries, gooseberries, oregano and borage, and seeding cabbages.

This one day is such a gift.  I spend it inside and outside; I am nourished.

And now, I remind myself that whatever I do is new. different. special. important.  all and everything.  because it is my words…thoughts…creation.  This is a lesson, a reminder, I came to understand when I was in treatment for my ‘eating disorder’ in the summer of 2005.  I woke to recognize the newness in each day, in each moment.  I awakened to recognized my inherent okayness…my inherent me-ness without judgment based on performance or appearance or intellect or whatever.  I am because I am.

And so, at the conclusion of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week 2012, I reflect on where I am in my life.  How my life continues.  Sometimes I think I have let go of some of the lessons I learned in treatment that so clearly led me down a path of healing and recovery; sometimes I think I have forgotten and reverted to the previous me, desperately seeking attention, validation, perfection, approval, love through every tool I’ve got, instead of remembering that I am valid just because.  Because I exist.  Because I was born, and lived and became me.  I am sacred because I am me.  and you are too.

Not everyone who seeks attention, validation, perfection, approval, love, achievement, appreciation develops an eating disorder, but everyone who lives in a state of seeking outside of himself/herself, who does not rely on the ultimate innate knowing that he/she is love is not so different from me or anyone who has developed an eating disorder– we become Products of our social structures, family structures, educational structures, corporate structures.

While I was housesitting a month ago, I read the book THE FOUR AGREEMENTS by Don Miguel Ruiz.  What a powerful experience this was for me–  the agreements he dissects are: 1)BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD, 2)DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY, 3)DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS, 4)ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST.

Seemingly simple concepts, and yet THESE CONCEPTS are overarchingly how I changed my life.  I hadn’t read Ruiz’s book (although I imagine many of my therapists did), yet these agreements in my perception are part of a path to freedom.

So anyway,

the theme of this year’s NEDAW is “Everybody knows somebody”–  in my perception a valuable lesson.  Growing up, it was my understanding that ‘eating disorders’ fell to the margins of society, to young women with severe psychological issues, that the image of the fragile anorexic woman curled up in a closet was the eating disorder…and yet, I now know it is so much more.  And I’m here to say, it is so much more.  If you thought you didn’t know anybody; you know me.  If you thought you were all alone; you’re not.

I read in the March 2012 issue of RUNNER’S WORLD magazine that it’s estimated that “three out of four American women between ages 25 and 45 practice disordered eating, according to a University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill study”.  This was in an article called “Running on Empty” by Caleb Daniloff–  how curious and ABSOLUTELY HYPOCRITICAL that one month later the issue of RUNNER’S WORLD that arrived at the post office is the “Weight Loss Issue”…what????!!!!  (I feel a letter to the editor coming on).

Anyway, back to the statistic…3 out of 4??  talk about “knowing somebody.”  Sound unreasonable?  Not to me.  Many of the women I have known in my life and continue to meet in my life eat based on their exercise, their weight, their feelings, their friends.  In college, many of my friends and I frequently skipped breakfast, frequently talked about ‘how fat we were getting,’ weighed ourselves or ‘felt shitty’ because of what we ate.  Eating was like a source of pleasure and pain because our minds are so trained to think thin is better, to view food and exercise as a moral matter.  But hey, it’s not just college.  It’s men, women, children, teenagers, people…in my perception, if a person thinks that he/she is being bad by enjoying a meal or skipping a trip to the gym, then THIS is eating disorder.  It’s not starvation.  It’s not binge-ing and purging.  It’s not compulsive exercise.  But IT IS DIS-ORDER. IN RELATION TO EATING. IN RELATION TO LVING AND BEING.  EATING is basic, necessary, not a source of shame.

control.  acceptance.  love.  perfection.  attention.  shame.

And the cycle continues.  Because now.  We don’t just want to be ‘thin,’ we want to be ‘fit,’ or ‘healthy’–  Orthorexia is surely on the rise, I imagine.  Please learn more about this ‘diagnosis’ on Steven Bratman’s website, www.orthorexia.com.  ’Fit’ and the lengths we take to be ‘fit’ do not necessarily equal health in anyway.  And why do we want to be so fit anyway?  We live in a world where the minority of people actually use their bodies in their daily lives.  Do we need the biceps we  build at the gym so that we can sit in front of a computer all day?  Or could we start gardening and not only build muscle but feed ourselves?  Or could we start walking and in doing so perform a weight bearing exercise, while simultaneously connecting with a land, a landscape, the air, our natural world?  Or could we start dancing and HAVE FUN and commune with friends and increase our cardiovascular and aerobic ability?  Or could we ride our bikes for transportation instead of driving to the gym to sit on stationary bikes, plugged into the system, and lighten our carbon footprint and take in some fresh air, and develop our leg muscles?  Or could we practice yoga and find calmness and breath and increase our flexibility and strength?

I mean, the options are endless of physical activities that we can incorporate into our daily lives to increase our ‘health’ (whatever that means) and wellbeing, so that we don’t have to spend hours at the gym, to look a certain way, to weigh a certain way…  If we are not so regimented, we might have some fat on our bodies; we might not have perfectly toned muscles or veiny arms; we might have cellulite and ‘love handles.’  And we might be HAPPY. AND we might be HEATLHY.  And we might still have issues and we might attempt to medicate them in other ways….oh the processes and processes of life.  How interconnected everything/everyBODY is.

…

I’ve ventured down many avenues today in this blog.  where am I going with it?  I guess I’m continuing the conversation about eating disorder, and my fears for society and the media and teenagers who diet and criticize and learn from us, their parents and the images they see in magazines of fake airbrushed bodies, or bodies that are so lean that they are actually likely ‘NOT HEALTHY.’

I hope that someday we can appreciate that every body is different.  That one body type is not the answer.  That some people are naturally lean, and some big-boned, and some athletic and some lanky, and some curvy and some everywhere in between.  And that perhaps the answer to wellbeing doesn’t rely on more reps at the gym and less bread, but instead on trust; trusting in our inherent okayness, and syncing up with nature’s rhythms and our cultural traditions.

In times like these, I need/want to look to the opportunities that I have and the lessons I am learning.  This situation is ripe with opportunities for me – to evaluate my needs and wants, – to speak my truths (find my voice!), – to stand up for myself and my truths (empower!!), – embrace my abilities, – take care of myself (emotionally, physically) in the ways I need, – understand my feelings and from where they derive, – reconnect with my grounding practices and tools, – check in on my process.

This situation spurs me to awareness so that I may recognize and appreciate the times when I “feel alive.”  walking.  working on my own projects.  jogging. standing outside in the cold, crisp, sunshiny January air and Breathing.  waking up and going to my yoga mat and continuing to explore, develop, learn through my practice.  taking breaks from my yoga practice to sip on my favorite white jasmine pearl tea.  creating!–knitting, weaving, writing, growing food, preparing food, dancing! a snowy day spent in front of the woodstove, cooking and eating soup.  giving gifts to those I love when I have gifts to give.  validating/giving justice to my thoughts and feelings by sharing them. conversations/exchanges with those I love.

hooray.  I smile to think of these moments.

In a few weeks, I have the opportunity for retreat.  I have the opportunity to housesit on 1100(? well, lots and lots and lots) acres in a cozy passive solar cabin, rich with books and yummy food.  I look forward to cuddling with cats, singing, playing their piano (!), reading, writing, practicing yoga, checking on chickens and turkeys and being!  what a gift.

I wonder about that.  For sure, ten years ago, I never imagined my life would be what it is today…I never imagined I’d be into farming and weaving and knitting.  I never imagined I’d have pet dogs and be living in New Mexico.  I pictured myself a bohemian fashionista–  a designer, a performer, and magazine editor.  Urban.  Funky.  oh life life life.  how priorities change.  How visions change.  How we choose the choices we do.

And I wonder what I want for myself in the next ten years.  I’ve started a savings for my ‘yogateachertrainingfund’– so that if I want someday, little by little, the money may accumulate for me to participate in a yoga teacher training of my choice.  what a treat it might be for me to give this gift of study to myself.  And I imagine myself farming…continued farming…in New Mexico??  I don’t know.  I love where I live and I wonder…

This coming 2012 I anticipate my  10-year high school reunion.  I feel excited when I imagine reconvening with my friends from New Jersey.  I am curious about their ten years, and I want to share my ten years with them as well.

Time passes so quickly sometimes, I think.  and not really, if I think about ALL that has become and been in the past ten years, it’s an abundance.  journeys and journeys.  One can fit so much in a day, in an hour, in a year, in ten years.  wowowow.

ay yi yi.

What journeys I had!  How refreshing it is to reunite with my friends, family, loves!  I rode the trains and buses and walked the streets of Chicago.  I visited Evanston and Bensenville.  I visited with, shared meals with, and passed hours with, so many of my friends.  I took the amtrak to and from Michigan and saw the streets of Zeeland and Holland and Grand Rapids, and the faces of my family all together!  I rode in the big market truck back to Henry’s farm and slept in my twice trailer home.  so peaceful it was to sit in the lazyboy in the living room of the trailer and talk with my dear Val and cook and eat and rest, and hear the sounds of central Illinois, tucked away in Herman’s woods. and I visited Andy’s farm in El Paso, and I visited Bloomington-Normal, and then I rode an amtrak back to Chicago few a few more days with my favorite urban area, and then I took an amtrak to Carbondale in southern Illinois, where my sweet friendloves, Adriane and Kris, introduced me to their farm!  Where we worked and rested and visited and ate.  and to market to market in Ferguson, Missouri, and to the megabus to the megabus in St. Louis.  and the megabus to Kansas City, and the amtrak to Las Vegas, New Mexico!  What an incredible journey, to see the country on train and bus, and watch the scenery pass by and the landscapes flow into each other.    What an incredible journey– it could have gone on forever.  There is so much in the midwest for me.  There is my community, and there is quiet beauty, open fields and open fields over and over again, and yet I like the rhythm, I like the flatness, I like the big sky.  And I sometimes imagine the corn and soy fields are full of tall prairie grasses, and I sigh.

And how happy I am to be home.  How grounded I feel.  How I appreciate my quiet life, and my vegetables and my daniel and doggies.  How I appreciate the responsibilities I have at home as well.  How in my first couple days home, I dug 30 gallons of potatoes (oh! how we will eat potatoes!), and how the cold cold cold has come.  15 degree nights and occasional snow.  and how I am fermenting the cabbages (sauerkraut, kimchi, curtido).  I think I went to the midwest and came back with some brightness, confidence, trust, openness, inspiration, and it enlivens me.  I feel excited to greet the new day and I am hopeful for the future.  I’m not sure how Daniel and I are going to make our lives work within the system, and right now I am feel hopeful.  so we shall see.

This morning we moved the clock back an hour–  and last night the power went out and there was an incredible wind storm that rattled the house and whooshed over the roof and penetrated all the unsealed areas of our home.

ps-photos of ‘our farm’ coming soon.

I slept in.  after a night of dancing and dancing (freeing booty as DJ Christalyn says).

I made and drank yerba mate.  I cooked and ate ‘my version of bibimbop’ (sauteed collards, broccoli, chiles, garlic, with rice, and fried eggs, and root kimchi).

I stretched and breathed.

I harvested and blanched and froze collards and broccoli.

I baked a ‘my version zucchini bread’ (where I make up my own recipes, and trust the results will be delicious–this is mostly how I cook and bake).

I ate bread and butter.

A day spent in the garden and in the kitchen is one of utmost satisfaction to me.  outside and in.  nourishing myself.  now and in the future.  nourishing myself inside and out.

Slash.  I am thinking of this stuff this evening, as I spent a couple hours this afternoon at a celebration for the opening of las Fiestas de Mora, particularly learning about la historia de la gente de Mora and the land grants.  It was beautiful.  truly.  The Archuleta brothers, who call themselves Agua Negra, came to the long room of Tapetes to share a corrido (ballad) about the history of Mora.  An oral, musical history, educating persons on the history of their community and culture.  And it’s awe-ing to think, that so many of these people can trace THEIR family’s history, the history of THEIR land and community, because they have made their homes and communities in a place where they STAY, generation after generation.  I once read online that something like 75% of the population of Mora county has been here for three generations…and likely MORE!

How complicated it might be for me to trace the history of my family.  I think of my hometown…but my family was not the early colonist who settled that community.  I think of my parents’ hometowns…but their families were not the early colonists who settled those communities.  I think of my grandparents, but their families were not the early colonists who settled those communities…the history goes back and back to countries spread out across Europe, and immigrants later arriving at Ellis Island.  and while the history, if I traced it, is likely fascinating–  I, personally, have little connection to ANY OF IT.  The stories of my ancestors do not feel like my story.

What I do believe though, is that for people, like the people of Mora, or of El Derramaderro, Guanajuanto, Mexico, the history of those communities feels like the history of those people.  past present and future.

So it’s interesting.  The Archuletas spoke about teaching children in school about the history of their people and community, and in a place like Mora, I think it is SO ESSENTIAL.  I think the history and the connection to the history is innate.  I think that in this changing world, for the generation of youth to understand their peoples and what that land means to their peoples and where they come from could ultimately create a deep sense of pride and connection to their land and peoples.  And maybe, then kids won’t be swept up in everyday American livelihood.  Maybe these kids will understand the value of working land, of monetary poverty, but richness of life and necessities.  I don’t know.

thoughts thoughts thoughts.

fresh fresh freshness!

floral earthness.

mmmm.

Today is the first ‘real rain’ of the season!  hooray!  oh New Mexico’s dry, cracked earth rejoices!  oh New Mexico’s parched plantlets rejoice!

What a glorious thing is the rain.  The rain is so wise.  Nature is SO WISE.  It rained for a few a hours, a gentle rain.  There is nothing like the rain.  I cannot simulate the rain with a hose.  I cannot simulate the rain with drip tape or flooding.  Today, the rain slowly seeped into the soil, not too fast, not too slow.  hmmm.

***

This morning Daniel and I ran the Las Vegas Fiestas 10k!  Fun fun!  Sun sun!  Rejuvenated!  Followed by soaks in the Montezuma Hot Springs…which just about wiped us out with their heats!  Put me to sleep…

And then the fiestas…If I weren’t already wiped out, I longed longed longed to dance dance dance.  All day today and yesterday there were live performances from local artists.  Puro Nuevo Mexico.  Mariachi.  ay yi yi.  And then there was a raised dance floor!  oh to dance to dance to dance.  I look forward to the Mora Fiestas at the end of this month, to dance to dance to dance.

On June 22-26, Daniel and I had the privilege of being part of a Lakota Sioux ceremony and supporting the work of a group of people who ventured onto the mountain for three days and three nights with only their prayers to Vision Quest.   Who knew that although I would not be stuck in a circle of my prayers, questing, that my own experience down below would be so rich and enlightening?  We sang, we drummed, we danced, we laughed, we hiked, we ate, we drank for the questers.  We sent them our blessings and our support.  We opened our hearts to each other and those who were seeking visions.  WOW.

like seriously.  wow.  There is something, an energy, that resonated just right for me.  Something that moves me to tears, joy – sadness – fear – FREEDOM.  FREEDOM.  FREEDOM.

to be. to breathe.  to embrace. to accept.

wow wow WOW.

!!!!

and connections!  community!  I met these beautiful people!  who inspire and excite me, with their openness, wisdom, willingness, adventurousness, love!  with whom I long to continue to connect!  yay

It’s like my heart is open, in ways it hasn’t been OPEN in as long as it’s been.   I do not intend to condemn my process here.  which is rich and full of beauty and journeys.  AND It reminds me of the way I used to FEEL.  Like when I left Mirasol in 2005, I was all spirit and emotion and groundedness.  And I felt some of that, and continue to feel some of that, and hope that I can continue to resonate on this wavelength.  That I can continue to bring this flow vibe into my life.

so that was that.

And our garden is bountiful.  plentiful.  beautiful.  and I accept that we will not get as much in the ground as we had hoped.  yet.  we will reap as much and more than we need.  And I continue to think about farming.  We went to the first Mora Valley Farmer’s Market of the season yesterday afternoon and there were two tents– 3-4 farmers– eggs, greens, radish mostly– and where I deeply respect that there are people who are growing food in the Mora Valley and marketing it, I also realized that although Daniel and I are not farming for market, we probably could have had more food there from our farm/garden yesterday than was there in total.  I wonder if there is market for locally raised food here.  and if so, I wonder if we want to enter into it and offer our foods.  Even this year, at the height of the 60 year drought, we have a lush garden.  I think we are very very lucky to have learned many farming lessons from our wise friend and farmer, Henry Brockman.

And there have been fires and fires.  fires and fires and fires and fires.  New Mexico burns.  burns burns burns burns burns.  fire fire fire.  There is a huge fire that is spreading at incredible speed over by the Los Alamos Laboratory (which is terrifying for many reasons…i.e. if the lab is damaged or if there is radiation in the smoke, I think I’m out of here).  It burned 45,000 acres in the first 24 hours.  It is now wreaking havoc on the Santa Clara Pueblo.  Peoples’ precious historic lands.  and the smoke the smoke the smoke.  It carries over the mountain, and every evening between 4 and 5 p.m. the smoke settles into our valley, ash falls from the sky, the air quality is somewhat dangerous.  phew.

There is also a fire across the ridge from Los Alamos in Pacheco  Canyon, very near to where Daniel used to live and run.  There are also new fires alighting daily.

On Thursday at noon, a woman came into the gallery and told me that there was a fire across from my house and I needed to go home.  I ran in tears back to the mill and got Daniel and we drove home.  The fire was across the road, about a mile away, on Holman Hill.  It lit up right behind the elementary school.  They put out the fire completely in about 2 days, although it was contained in about 5 or 6 hours.  They say about 25 acres were burned, but that they managed to protect all structures.  They also say that men and women and children were fighting the blaze.  I smile at the resiliency of my community–  I believe it.  These people in the Mora Valley are steadfast.  stubborn too.   Slash I am proud to live here.

There will be NO FIREWORKS this fourth July in New Mexico.  There will be NO HIKING, CAMPING, FISHING, SPORTING in the state parks of New Mexico.  The situation here is severe.

And this morning, I rode my gift of a bike to work!  oh huzzah.  huzzah. hooray and huzzah.  This bike belongs to the same kind kind woman who came to gallery to alert me about the fire near my house.  Community forms. a little.

I rode slowly and peacefully, not like I ride in Chicago.  I was fearful of loose dogs who don’t know how to respond to a girl on a bike.  I even got off my bike and walked when I passed the BAD DOG house, so as to avoid riling up the “BAD DOG”.  and it felt so nourishing to take my time and use my body and get to work.  sigh.

I am feeling relaxed today.  I am thinking about running the Las Vegas Fiestas 10k tomorrow morning with Daniel, but the price is a little steep, and I’m considering saving my pennies, instead of paying to run 6.2 miles.  We’ll see.

And then Monday is my 27th birthday.  more to come on that in the future.  I suspect I will make a TRES LECHES cake, with raw cow milk, raw cow cream, and goat milk cajeta.  and maybe strawberries, if we score some at the farmer’s market.  We shall see!  My birthday present to myself, I bought about three weeks ago at Tome On The Range in Las Vegas, NM: Manning Marable’s MALCOLM X; I started reading it this week and am captivated.

onward with my day.  I am thankful for my ever-evolving life.