I do not definitely know what I will do this winter.  Where I am going.  I do know that I am going to do what I want to do and that if it is not what I want to do, then I will not do it.  !  I want to have continued joy in my days and my life.  I know how to find these gifts.

Currently, my plan includes moving to New Mexico to reunite with Daniel and Tunas and Nata.  I feel excited and fearful for this possibility.  Shameful, as I imagine myself leaving the midwest that I love fervently.  Slash, adventures await!  New friends!  New cities!  New lands!  where I have never been.  I hope to ride my bike again!  and grow food food food food food food food food.  and eat food food food food food food food.  and love.

and who knows?  We might not stay forever.  Daniel would probably return to the midwest.  or maybe I would.  or maybe somewhere else.  Maybe Maine!  or Vermont!  or Canada!  Henry wants to buy land in Canada to prepare for the future when he believes Illinois will be a desert, and futures farmers will be farming the heartland of Canada.  and maybe Daniel and I will be his homesteaders!  Caretaking his land in Canada until he is ready to claim it.  that sounds like fun too.

My friends, Adriane and Kris, prepare to be farmers next year.  I wonder what it feels like to have this plan or goal, to be in charge of it, totally responsible for all of it.  To make a choice, a life change, to take a risk.  It is similar and different from things I have experienced in my life.  hmm.  I feel excited for them and proud for what they are doing, and proud that they are friends I know and love.

oh man.  My friends and my family rule.

ps-Daniel!!!!!  write a blog!  seriously!!!!!!!!!

tonight I spent almost two hours tearing my hair apart.  ripping it from itself from the knots into which it has tied itself.
the processes of my hair… are … to me … an incredible thing.  It has been as long as it has since I have taken a brush or a comb to it.  Maybe last fall I might have taken a comb to it.  and before that maybe the previous spring.  and before that maybe the previous fall…and back then I had short short short hair.    a different story.  A month ago, I bought myself a brush…and a comb…of the sorts that I could believe in…the sorts that I thought were “well-made” of “natural” materials.  a sort of self-pampering.  in preparation for the process on which I considered embarking.
My hair has become knots.  My hair has been extensive knots.  My friends have called them dreadlocks.  and beautiful.  I relate.  I just let my hair do what it does when it wants to.  No need for me to control it.  because it is … was… uncontrollable.  I could no longer separate the strands enough so that I could truly braid it.  all I could do was tie it back in a bun.
I considered just accepting the dreadlocks forever and loving them.  I considered shaving my head (although I did fear sunburn).  and I considered attempting to brush my hair out.

Last night at the encouragement of my friend Adriane, I rubbed my head with extra virgin olive oil and wrapped my head in a bandana.  We had not decided I would definitely brush it.  We were getting prepared, just in case.  Adriane said to me, “Your hair is pretty beautiful as it is”  and don’t I know it.

Today I had a day of friends and conversations, of air and ice cream, of computing and then.  I took my bandana off of my head. I took my brush and comb outside with me and I sat on a sycamore vegetable box and began the process.  Charlie reheated leftovers and brought me a shot of tequila and talked to me as I ripped and tore my hair apart and out.  as I winced.
I am lucky to live with this sensitive character.  this Charlie who keeps me company and talks to me and listens to me and doesn’t think it’s gross that I have this big pile of hair sitting next to me when I am finally done.
I tell Charlie that I think my mom always thought that me not brushing my hair was me not taking care of myself.  me not valuing myself.  but I always thought that it was more the other way around.  Me not brushing my hair was me recognizing that my hair is just a part of me, not me and I am more than my hair and my appearance.  recognizing that there are more important things in my life than the “quality” of my hair.

Slash I am feeling very happy and excited.  I no longer think that I will “have to” shave my head if I ever want to have hair again.  and I still have the old dreadlock.  the big long one.  that one’s not going anywhere.  and I think I will french braid my hair tomorrow…it is getting so long!  It was last cut two years ago!!
I feel a little freedom.  as if the fate of my hair is no longer set in stone.  there are possibilities for me and this scalp of mine.

delicious meals.  rich conversations.  rest.  and busy-ness.  I could probably really use a nap before my sleep tonight.  I slightly dread returning to the farm and the potential exhaustion…and also…I think I will be okay.  I am in my perception strong and persistent, ever becoming stronger and more persistent.  inspired.  hopeful.

oh food glorious food.  On Friday, we harvested the first Japanese cucumbers of the season!  and eggplant!  and greenbeans!

There have been greens abundant and peas abundant and life abundant.

and there is something amazing happening to my hair.  as I never brush it, as it faces wind and rain and dirt and sun, it is getting so knotty…dreadlocky.  twisted.  I bought a brush and a comb today with intentions to soak my hair in oil and then brush it until all the knots except my one dreadlock are dissipated.  there will be much hair loss.

when I look in the mirror, I think, oh what wild interesting beautiful hair I do have.  hair of many colors.  and shapes.  maybe I will grow it out until I leave the farm.  and then maybe I will cut it.  or leave it.  I do not know.

It seems like there has always been a struggle to “manage” my hair. even as I let it be.

I would like to write more.  and I am falling asleep writing.

hmmm.

before I must resign myself to sleep…I want to send deep congratulations and love to May and Dan for creating a space that was a most glorious  loving honest sensitive fun wedding.

okay.  naptime.  and then riding back to the farm.

Val is cooking me eggs.  what a queen she is.  (*smiles at Val)

mmm.

last night I went to bed around 9:30 p.m.  to wake at 1:15 a.m.  To ready myself for a week and a half away from the farm.  for city, and friends and commotion and the wedding of May and Dan (this is a whole nother blog entry).  I worked all morning until around 1 p.m. at the farmer’s market !!  I. love. food. especially food that I have nourished and tended and harvested and prepared sell and or eat.  mmm.  totes arugula in my belly.

what a journey it is.  what a as full as it is experience it is to go on this journey.  the excitement I feel as I walk down the lane to wait for the big truck to pull up and to hop in and talk to Henry in the quiet of the night.  There was a thick fog this morning.  I felt fearful as we mucked through it.  or trucked through it.  “what if?”

from harvest through market is a marathon.  or maybe harvest is a sort of race.  a long long race.  there’s lots of time to go through lots of stuff.  body stuff.  mental stuff.  and then to the market.  once the race is over, but I can’t go home till I clean up all the cups left on the ground and get my medal.  sometime a giddy game.  challenging.  enlivening.  exhilerating.  exhausting.

mmm…how powerful is this exhaustion.  how I sink into this chair I sit on.  as solid as it is, it absorbs my weight.  I smile too because there is a heady lightness that balances the heavy … heaviness.

and I’ve got these awesome friends.  I am so lucky.

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I have been reading lately.  books abundant.  I read this book ILLUSIONS by Richard Bach this past week.  A curious experience for me.  An important experience for me.  in my perception.  It is written in what I would call a simplistic, accessible style, and it discusses some “big ideas” about spirituality and the universe that resonate with me.  A little silly and cheesy perhaps although it illuminates the way perception may be the lens through which we navigate our worlds.  Right now, I buy into it.  Last week, I said to my roommate, “maybe there is another way to understand understanding”– and I wonder if the book stimulated these thoughts in me or if I am just reconnecting with these ideas again.  I also had a dream in which Matt, fellow farmhand and friend was breaking through huge rock walls with his mind power. all the same stuff….

In my perception, being “on my own” again, encourages states of reflection that it almost seemed as if there was not time for before.  anyway.  I’m not really sure where I want to go with this conversation.

Last week, as I worked in the field, after a couple hours of working side-by-side in silence with Matt, I felt intensely excited.  I felt a lightness, what I would consider a joy in me, so I wanted to laugh…because as I fell into the flow of the work I was doing, I found there was space in my mind to explore some ideas and think thoughts with what I would call clarity.  I wished I had a tiny notebook in my pocket so that I could write write write all of the thoughts I had, so that I could make sure to remember them.

hooray for the arrival of ideas.  hooray for space in my brain that is not filled up with responsibility or worry.  space to just hypothesize and analyze and enjoy the steady continuation of ideas–to watch my thoughts be my thoughts.

I am not lonely here.  I experience longings for my loved ones, and I appreciate this quiet time I have.

I remember when.  four years ago.  I sat with may.  Feeling sorry for myself.  because my hands were cracked and the cracks filled with coffee grinds.  And I thought, “oh my poor hands.  my poor beat up sorry hands.”  and may took my hands in hers. and said something like, “these hands are the hands of a person who works.  they are beauty.  have you ever seen the hands of an artist or a gardener, Rebekah?  These are worker’s hands.”

I’ve got those hands.  These strong.  bronzed.  cracked.  scratched.  dirt in the fingernails.  dirt in the lines.  hands.  I love these hands of mine.  and I love that may who reminded me of the beauty that is in and all around me.  that is inherent in all I am and do.

Right now.  I appreciate the beauty that is everything (and spinach). I appreciate the beauty that is everything.  I appreciate the beauty that is..  I appreciate the beauty. I appreciate

Things I look forward to:

air.  greens.  strawberries.  harvest days.  experiencing my body gain physical strength. if I have the energy, running on the weekend.  dirt.  sunrises and sets. goat milk.  chickens and cows. life.

Things I do not look forward to (not to say I really mind or do not enjoy them…I have a fear of them rather):

long rainy days (although my fear is bigger than the actual experience…I don’t think I ever really minded it on the farm last time).  loneliness.  itchiness from plant oils.  tornado watches and warnings.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  I will pack in the morning.  then hopefully walk doggies, and then Daniel will drive me.  And then he will drive home. alone.

And then next week he will move to Santa Fe.  I’ll let him write about that though.

LOVE!  LIFE!